Why The Parent/Child Relationship Can Be So Damn Complicated
There is no bond that runs deeper than that of a parent and child, or to reframe these words there is no potential bond that runs deeper than that of a parent and child. We come to the earth through our parents and while we are not our parents- genetically and physically all that we are comes from both your mother and father.
With this in mind a lot of parent/child relationships are broken or flawed in many ways- Rarely is the middle ground found with the parent/child bond with many children unhealthily idolizing their parents and placing them on a pedestal, with many others being way to hard on their parents expecting them to live up to their expectations of what a parent should be.
There is a lot of complication in between, such as abusive parents, incompetent parents and misunderstanding parents. However it is important to understand that a parent (no matter how they behaved) are doing their best they can with their current understanding of the world.
There is also the parental angle, with many parents placing similar expectations on their children to that which they have achieved (or not achieved), or parents forgetting that it is their job to teach their children how and not what to think.
In this article I would like to speak of some of the issues that arise in the incredibly complex parent/child relationship and also some of the potential solutions to heal.
Expectations are heavy and weigh on everyone involved in the process. It is okay to encourage and build your children to be able to achieve the most magical of things, but when you expect them to be a certain way or achieve a certain goal based on what you think is right- it can lead to resentment and a burden that your child has to carry.
As parents it is our role to be caregiver and help to nurture the most productive and happy of children, but you must never forget your child has his/her own mind, body and consciousness.
The same works for the child towards the parent, a parent is who he/she is, they may not have been the perfect person you wanted growing up. But your expectations on them can be just as heavy as theirs on you.
Children are up against it these days with society, school and media systematically leading us to a life of conformity and consumerism. It is my belief that we all have a soul purpose here on earth and while it is not your job as a parent to give that to your child, you should certainly not suppress it when you see it in them.
When a child is young they are unconditioned and when someone is unconditioned it is easier for them to know what they want out of life. A child will likely be ungrounded in their ideas, but when they feel something that resonates with their soul we as parents should recognise and encourage it.
As a parent we should firstly lead by example and show our children that it is okay to break away from societal norms to create a beautiful life, but also encourage them to be creators of their own destiny and not settle for anything other than what they want out of life.
You See The Worse Of Your Parents
With anyone you spend a significant amount of time with you will see them at their very best- the other side of this is you will obviously see them at their worst. Many (most) parents (people) are deeply flawed and it is very common for our flaws to spill out in our day to day life and affect our children in the process.
With this absolute mess that we call family, it is near impossible to go through the whole process of parenting/childhood without some kind of issues arising. All addictions, flaws, mistakes will be seen or felt by children while their parents grow, this can often lead us to believing that our parents are in some way bad- however, we are all human and if we cannot be our worse with our family, then who can we be in this way with. Which leads to the next point:
Not just in the parent/child relationship, but in all relationships forgiveness is of monumental importance. Parents and children are going to hurt each other and likely going to hurt each other frequently.
This ranges from neglecting to see what is happening to actively being the root cause of pain to your loved one/s. Sometimes families do things that most would perceive as unforgivable, however to hold onto the suffering is to continue to magnify the original damage that has taken place.
We don’t always continue our entire lives with our parents/children in them- dependant on the level of trauma and disappointment that has been caused. However, to forgive regardless of the pain caused is something that is needed if you ever want to continue with a happy, free and productive life.
We are the sum total of our parents- their trauma, their joy and everything in between manifested into a new person and then developed by our experiences. Meaning we carry all they carry then we pick up our own ways of being through our experiences. This is why it is important to heal trauma, as we pass on our trauma through our DNA or at least this is my understanding of this.
It is very important to be at peace with your parents and children, even if the relationship cannot work for any reason. This works in the complete ancestral line- meaning we hold within us that which is healed and unhealed through all generations of our bloodline, this is why we have the ability to change so much by simply changing ourselves- we are laying the groundwork for future generations.
The more generations we can go back and understand the better, this is why history and family history is important- as we get to see the unhealed parts of ourselves and then release them.
Breaking The Cycle
As I said earlier most parent/child relationships are flawed in some way, but you have the ability to break that cycle. You can forgive the mistakes, communicate clearly and love unconditionally.
We can place our parents/children on a pedestal and shower them with love, but just don’t let it become an illusion that they are perfect. The more we can love people by releasing their perfection comes in part from their imperfections the easier we can move forward as a harmonious species. Break the cycle, be the change and know that everyone is doing the best they can from their level of consciousness. Much love to you and please share this article.