It is no secret that falling in love comes with it challenges. Being alone is a hard enough task, then you add another person to this mix and we have double the confusion. We can often do and accept things we generally would not in the early stages and this can become the foundations for your relationship. This is often due to the fact that in the early stages we are more reserved and don’t want to appear insecure, boring or uninterested. These early moments can then lead to unconscious grudges and resentment.
With this in mind, if you are able to build solid foundations from the start based on openness and a willingness to effectively communicate. You can have the basis for a beautiful connection. However, should this not work, then it could very well be the person you are partnering with that is not the correct match.
Some of the ideas in this article are based upon the bestselling book “The Celestine Prophecy” with what the author names as control dramas. The idea behind control dramas are that we all have specific dramas we unconsciously participate in due to the influence of our parents in childhood. The drama takes place as we are in competition for energy, when we feel we lack in energy we attempt to control the energy of others to top ours up.
Ultimately, if we try to control others for energy we will always end up drained, as there are far healthier ways to be energetically healthy than through negative behaviour. The becoming aware of the drama allows you to consciously choose to not participate in your own dramas, but also to disarm those who are projecting their dramas onto you.
When these dramas are avoided and/or confronted you have the foundations for a clear and beautiful relationship.
Most people probably know that if someone is constantly verbally or physically abusive towards them it is a warning sign. However, there are more subtle forms of intimidation that can be harder to spot.
A common way this plays out is expecting our love to share a habit or desire. An example would be one person in the relationship starting a daily yoga practice and pressuring the other to do the same. Sometime there is no direct threat, but the implied threat of how the person may react if the other does not comply and start what we have asked then too.
Conforming to someone else’s expectations to avoid confrontation is unhealthy, whereas confronting the situation and naming their attempt to force you into something you don’t feel comfortable with is the healthier option. This can initially lead to disagreements and arguments, but in the long run you will not (consciously or unconsciously) harbor any resentment.
Honesty (which we will come to) is a fundamental for a beautiful relationship, however, sometimes certain parts of information need to unfold organically. There is a fine line between being quizzical and interrogating, and sometimes interrogating your love will show up what you want it too, rather than the reality of a situation.
If you are being interrogated by your partner, you can highlight the interrogation without being aggressive and say that you will not participate in it. Sometimes you don’t want to voice something and this does not give the other person the right to apply force.
Aloofness is when you conceal something, with the intention of being interrogated. Meaning you withhold a part of the the information to a question, with the hope the person will ask more questions. This works hand in hand with interrogation, and can leave both halves of a relationship playing their part in the drama. Name and remove yourself from this if you spot it in your partner. Saying for example: “It would be nice if you could just give me a straight answer to my questions.”
Poor me is feeling sorry for yourself and making yourself a victim in a given situation. This is in order to gain sympathetic energy from the person you are with. Sometimes we do have bad breaks and bad luck in life, however, there is a difference between things going wrong once in a while and believing the world is against you.
In relationships this come in the form of sentences such as “you don’t understand me” or “after all I have done for you, this is how you treat me”. These words are designed for us to sympathise and grovel, however, we break this by acknowledging our role in the given situation (if you have one) and naming theirs. Saying for example “I think you are trying to control me with guilt.”
Nothing creates more of a divide than dishonesty and we should strive for honesty firstly to ourselves and then make it clear that we won’t tolerate dishonesty from others. There is no such thing as a small lie, as when a lie takes place it jeopardises trust for the future.
If someone falls in love with a version of you, that is not truly you, then they will be in love with an alternate version of your true self. Learn who you are and unashamedly be that person and you will attract the right match.
One time for deception and dishonesty, is one time too many.
Treat others as you would like to be treated; perhaps something that you would expect your teachers to say when you lash out on a fellow classmate at school. However, it is very much a virtue to live by.
You very rarely remember what people say, but how someone makes you feel will live in your heart for an eternity. Be kind and don’t accept someone who is consistently unkind to you, to rule over you.
The last thing to avoid is expectations. This can be hard so if you are going to have them, then don’t expect them to turn out the way you envision. Expectations put a ton of pressure on both sides of a relationship. Sometimes you just have to trust that things will turn out okay, and if they do not then it is not meant to be. Much love!
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I am Luke Miller the author of this article, and creator of Potential For Change. I like to blend psychology and spirituality to help you create more happiness in your life.Grab a copy of my free 33 Page Illustrated eBook- Psychology Meets Spirituality- Secrets To A Supercharged Life You Control Here