To some this article may sound weird, over exaggerated and unbelievable- however this was something I experienced and it was both beautiful and terrifying, but for the most part just terrifying.
I recently spent 4 weeks at a beautiful retreat centre called The Rainforest Healing Centre In which I volunteered to help out with the general maintenance of the place and got a chance to witness first hand the experience of the participants. The Rainforest Healing Centre is an plant medicine retreat centre specialising in many different dietas, but the most common is the ayahuasca retreats. In November last year I attended as a participant and it was a little different this time to be a volunteer- it was challenging, but also very rewarding.
While I was at the centre I drank ayahuasca twice and it is the first account I will speak about in this article. Prior to this ceremony I had drunk 5 times in a 10 day period, and while I really had to face myself, my flaws and do some real healing work- this experience was on a completely different level in terms of the depths I reached.
My intention for this experience was to access sacred dream space (the place we access during our dreaming sleep state) to be able to navigate it, basically a long a lucid dream to access certain information. The reason for this is it is my understanding that certain things happen in this space before being manifested in the physical, I felt this would help with my life’s work.
I was pretty zoned out before I even drank the brew, I had already been at the centre for 2 weeks and was ready to reconnect with the medicine- so it was a very short time between me drinking and the medicine kicking in. After 20 minutes I started to vomit, but also had some energetic purges with my body moving, stretching and shaking off the unneeded energies in my system.
As the night progressed (maybe 2 hours after I drank) I started to embody everyone else’s essence who I had come into contact with in recent times. I was them and they were me, all being experienced through my physical body. I eventually became the entire universe expressed solely through my spirit (my physical body was nowhere to be seen at this time). I started to feel every feeling from the purest and most beautiful, to the darkest and most evil.
In this time I was experiencing the universe as a singularity- everything in the physical world is dual and/or has an opposing force, this experience was not at all dual it was everything express in one timeless moment that seemed to never end.
To start with it was a beautiful experience- while still being totally overwhelming, but there was still a level of control. It was when I became conscious of the experience I started to feel really unbalanced. I opened my eyes and realised that there was no difference between eyes open and eyes shut- It was like the Matrix when everything goes green, only I saw it as red-
I tried to reach for water, but I was everything, so there was no separation and my body seemed to not be there to reach for anything. I tried to place my hands on the floor, but again there was no floor or hands. I reached for my aqua florida (a substance you splash on your face to return to reality) but again the same problem continued.
It then started to dawn on me that I may have fucked up, and that I had actually moved completely to another dimension and may not be able to get back- this is when I started to freak out a little. I was everyone and everyone was me in this moment, so I could feel everyone else starting to freak out too, it was like all eyes were on me and I had shifted the whole universe into a different state of being, now would be a good use of the phrase “the weight of the world was on my shoulders” only it was not only the world- but the whole universe and I had the responsibility to return us to normality. I spent what felt like an eternity shifting from complete terror, to reassuring myself (and the whole universe) that everything was okay.
This was when my attention shifted to secret knowledge and big questions, I am not claiming absolute truth in any of them, but I was asking question to a higher power and they were being answered- you can read about this here
After this was when I really got stuck I wanted to know everything- the absolute truth in its most simple of forms- I got close to realising this, but could never reach the absolute conclusion. Upon reflection I come to the realisation that everything is relevant and while I cannot be certain- there is no absolute answer to our existence- at least not at this level of being.
But I kept repeating this over and over and over. It felt like I was in this space for an eternity, it was literally longer than my existence on earth, going back an infinite amount of past lives- it was a state of timelessness that had no start, no end and no middle ground- it was absolute limbo- with a repeated question of what is the absolute truth- nearly reaching an answer only to fall short. I could not stop asking the question and I could also not find an answer.
This was when I needed help as I could not ride this wave, so I shouted out for help and one of the facilitators came over- I could not see them, but heard their voice which gave me some level of comfort, but ultimately I had to still ride this wave until it finished.
This was when I started again to vomit, but as I was everything and everything was me I had to purge for the entire universe- this was when I experienced the sum total of every emotion that exist and vomited out the undesirable parts. Eventually I remember this purge ending and me coming back a little to the state of between worlds- but still nowhere near to this full reality. I remember saying to to myself “well done you just purged for the whole universe”
With this I was able to splash some water on my face, use the bathroom (which literally took what felt like a year to achieve) and tip a bottle of aqua florida on my head. Yet my experience was far from over, lets just say it continued in the same way of repetition, just I was between worlds instead of fully immersed in the dream space.
This experience was by far the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced and upon reflection I feel that fear is no longer an option, as no matter what happens to me, no one will ever be able to instill the level of fear in me that I experienced that night.
I decided I would never drink ayahuasca again and I would need some time to get over this experience, but after 2 days of reflection I realised it was what I needed in this moment for me to move forward. I experienced the sum total of all time in existence in a 6 hour period and this has been invaluable to me. 4 days after I drank again and it was the polar opposite, the most beautiful thing ever, but I will talk about that in another article.
I was told after by participants and the facilitators that between all of this I was singing, chanting and speaking in a language they have not heard before. Some things are not for the faint hearted and ayahuasca is certainly one of those things. I have met people who have had nothing but beautiful journeys and those who experience the opposite, for me I am glad I got to feel the full range of experience. This brew is no joke and no matter your experience with it- if you do it with a competent shaman and team you will reach the deepest depths of your soul. Thanks for reading and if this sounds like something you would like to experience I will be in the jungle in December for an intimate retreat with a total of 8 people. I will not be running the retreat just taking part. If you cannot make these dates you can still reach out to the centre and go in your own time. Say I sent you and they will take care of you! YOU CAN TAKE A LOOK HERE
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I am Luke Miller the author of this article, and creator of Potential For Change. I like to blend psychology and spirituality to help you create more happiness in your life.Grab a copy of my free 33 Page Illustrated eBook- Psychology Meets Spirituality- Secrets To A Supercharged Life You Control Here